EDIT: One rule, don't post a comment without a joke in the same post.

Hell, why not just post a half dozen jokes per day. In other words, post jokes. I think you get the point.

In honour of the programmers here:
A tourist walked into a pet shop in and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars, why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage "That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager."

Two male mathematiciens are in a bar.
The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.
He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!

Math Jokes - II (I'm not sure if I translate them correct...)
A: "Hey, whats about your girlfriend, the sweet mathematician?"
B: "I left her. As I called her one night, she said she is fooling about three unknowens"

III
A sheepherder wants to use as few fence as possible to fence in his sheep. He asked an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician.
The enineer answered: "A circle has the best relationship between perimeter and area"
The physicist answered: "We live on a globe. Built a fence over half of the earth"
The mathematician built a fence around himself and defined himself as being outside. (My favorite one )

IV
If you let a mathematician choose either a bap and eternally beatitude, what do you think he'd choose?
Of course the bap: Nothing is better than eternally beatitude and a bap is better than nothing

V
A mathematician, a physican and a luser are hemmed in one single room for each person. A glass sphere is given to all of them.
After one hour we check what they did with it.
The mathematician calculated the spheres area and its volume.
The phsican calculated the refraction of the glass sphere.
As we looked in the room of the luser the sphere disappered and there window was broken. The answer to the question what he did was: "I didn't do anything!...."

VI - Mathematicians don't die - They just lose their function.

This joke is best told quickly, and translated to your dialect for optimal effect (and after the consumption of alcohol)

two shits are walking down the street and they meet a diarrhea.

<diarrhea> Hey what you guys up to?
<shits> we are going to rob a bank
<diarrhea> COOL, can i come with you?
<shits> No, you need to be though for this job.

Nursery Rhymes 101

1.)Jack be nimble Jack be quick, Jack burnt off his fu**in dick!
2.)Little boy blew....he needed the money
3.)Jack and Jill went up the hill each a dollar and a quarter.. Jill came down with 2.50 whata whore

Dirty Joke==>Kid fell in the mud

Clean Joke==>Kid took a bath with Bubbles

Dirty Joke==>Bubbles was the neighbor!

Few more here:

Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar when the elderly man next to him looks over and says, "you'll get fat and have lots of pimples if you keep eating chocolate like that." Johnny looks back and replies, "did you know my grandpa lived to be 105 years old?" Slightly intrigued, the man asks if his grandfather ate chocolate like the boy. Johnny stands up and says "yes, and he also minded his own fucking business."

Courtesy of my CRIM 101 prof.


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can yo u think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."


This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, were an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' Reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and said, "Fuck you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "Fuck you!"

Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people would have cancelled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge - making the bride' s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends and family members.

This joke is supposedly the best joke on the planet. (at least that was the result of some study a while ago). It's the joke that most people find most enjoyable globally...

Two hikers encounter a bear in the forest. All excited one person starts running away, but he soon notices that his friend sat down, exchanging his hiking shoes for his running shoes. He asks, "why are you changing your shoes you can't run faster than the bear anyway!" His friend replies "I don't have to be faster than the bear, I only have to be faster than you."

It's funny, but far too overused in North American television and cinema. But this is a joke thread, so there's no way I'm going to post without an accompanying joke.

A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you” the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t because you will make fun of me” the black man says.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.
“Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies. And the lady
bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,
“I knew you would make fun of it” the black man says.
The lady replied, “Its my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!”

hehe

C:/DOS
C:/DOS/RUN
RUN/DOS/RUN