Two guys walk into a bar .... the third one ducked

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How do you know what time it is a Michael Jackson's house?

When the "BIG HAND" touches the "LITTLE HAND"

Two guys are sitting in a bar in a high tower.
They are getting a bit drunk and one of the men said with a tipsy voice : "When you down 3 whiskey in a row you are able to fly !"
The other denies: "No way ! You are kidding."
The 1st one stands up saying, "Sure, i am gonna show ya.", and walks to the bar and orders 3 whiskey.
He downs the 3 whiskeys in front of the other guy , jumps out of the window, flies around the tower and back into the window.
The other guy is really impressed and orders himself 3 whiskey and also downs them in a row.
He jumps out of the window and ... falls to the ground and dies in a splash.
The bartender takes the 1st guy aside and says: "Superman, when you are drunk you are a real asshole".

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

Why is a tornado like a blonde? First there's a lot of sucking and blowing, then you lose your house.

What do you get when you give a donkey an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Question: Why do women masturbate with these two fingers (Blacklotis holds out his index and middle fingers)?
Answer: Because they are mine!

pick up line:

Blacklotis: "I have a magical watch! MY watch tells me that right now you are not wearing any panties, is it true?"
Girl: "No I am wearing panties"
Blacklotis: "God dam watch is an hour fast again!"

even better (and apparently more successful) pickup-line: "excuse me ma'am. i was just wondering whether you're allergic to chloroform..." XD

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"

"No, I never found her head."

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

courtesy of xkcd.org

**** Note by Inferno ****
Since I don't have a joke to tell and therefor will break this thread rules I'd like to say in this way that I finnd this one quite hilarious
P.S. Sorry rhican for molesting your post, remove if you wish

And by alt3rn4tiv3 -
I loved it too
Corrected your spelling of "courtesy" in the meantime
Thanks for sharing!
**** End ****

On Engineers (or computer nerds too I 'spose):

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get that great bike?"
he second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!
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A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"